Seema's Blahg

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

2007-01-25T22:55:00.000-08:00

Dearest Blogger,

I don't quite know how to break this to you, so I'll just say it... I'm moving on. While we've shared many cherished moments over the past year or so, I've grown and my needs have changed. I've found a new blogging service. She's just more flexible and accommodating... easier to be with. I learned a great deal from you, and I hope that we can still be friends.

If you ever need me, you can find me here: http://eseema.wordpress.com

Super Bowl, Super Bears!!

2007-01-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

I am no die-hard sports fan... in fact since college I've pretty much limited my game watching to the post season series. I usually pick things up around the Sweet 16, NBA Playoffs, NFL Playoffs, etc... It's almost like skipping ahead to the end of a book (which I don't really do) - you miss the build-up, but if you're looking for efficiencies it's a good way to go. Well, this is one football season where I wish I had walked the road with my team... this year's NFC Champions: the Chicago Bears!!!

My baby's a boxer.

2007-01-18T20:59:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays I visited the local humane society with a friend to find a dog for his mother. Didn't find the right dog, but we did come across a beautiful 9-month old russian blue that almost knocked me out with his left hook. I thought about it, but in the end decided against adopting since my new roommates might not be cat-friendly.

So much for reason. The next day my friend came over with cat-in-a-box and changed my life (well, at least my day-to-day). Meet Smokey Cassius Clay. (Smokey was his name at the shelter; Cassius Clay was tagged on b/c it befits his boxing polydactyl paws). I always thought of myself more as a dog person than a cat person... but the cat thing is a much better fit for my current lifestyle, and this guy is the BEST! :-D He's very playful, very loving, and *very* curious. He cuddles up with me while I work, and is fascinated with water. This is a pic I took of him pawing at running water for the first time. So adorable... I love you schmoke, muah!

2006 Retrospective

2007-01-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

Damn, is it already 2007? I distinctly recall sitting on the opposite side of this very table writing my "New Year's Resolutions 2006" post, as if it were yesterday. (On a side note, why do I feel like a loser for being at the same dining table I was at 378 days ago? Maybe it's that being in the same physical place makes me feel like I've gone nowhere in the last year... Or maybe it's that I'm sitting here on a Saturday night having opted to blog instead of go out. Whatever.) In any case, here is a quick run-through of how I performed on my '06 resolutions...

1. Take Cal Train to work more often -- A+. I'm flying through those eBay commuter checks.
2. Learn or re-learn a foreign language -- F. I think I actually just forgot more of the little I did know. Carrying over to 2007.
3. Go to Tahoe at least twice to ski -- C. I did go once, and that was awesome.
4. Travel outside of the US at least once (unrelated to work) -- D. Wow, this is a recurring one that I never fail. I started to plan a trip with a friend to South America, but we deferred it to this year for a number of logistical reasons. Boooo. I did go to Maui, but that doesn't really count.
5. Re-engage myself with some social entrepreneurship organization -- A. Go Kiva!
6. Be better about staying in touch with friends (call at least one remote friend every two weeks and try to send birthday cards (making it quantifiable)) -- C+. I don't remember sending any birthday cards, but I do think I was better about calling friends.
7. Make 10% of my 2006 income from an outside investment/venture (interest payments, option grants, & ESPP disqualified) -- F. No new outside investments or ventures. Definitely carrying this over to 2007.
8. Eat Tiramisu -- A+. I love getting credit for being a glutton.
9. Whine less -- I really have no idea how I did on this one. I definitely whined in 2006... hopefully less than in the previous year.
10. Blog more -- A. :-)

Happy Belated New Year!

In loving memory of Raja Das...

2006-12-11T23:12:00.000-08:00

I sent the note below to my loved ones last night, but wanted to post it here as it is mostly a tribute to a wonderful human being.
--

Dear friends & family,

As many of you know, I lost a very dear friend this week and I wanted to thank those of you who have offered your condolences & support. This is my first such loss in life, and surely it won't be the last. It's comforting to know I have so many wonderful people to carry me forward.

I also wanted to take time to introduce you to my friend Raja, undoubtedly one of the best human beings I have ever known. I met Raja over 5 years ago and he grew to be a very close & cherished friend and one of my most trusted confidants. He was a cheerleader for everyone he cared for and always seemed to take more pride in my own accomplishments than I did. His genuine passion for life and for people endeared him to everyone who had the good fortune of knowing him. My world was more beautiful with him nearby... I will forever miss his fun-loving spirit, grounded wisdom, and warm, charismatic nature.

One of the many things I loved about Raja was how inquisitive he was about everything - people, places, ideas... After learning that I grew up in Chicago, he became unusually fixated on Lake Michigan and randomly brought it up numerous times over the course of our friendship. I remember debating the size of the lake with him because he wanted to know if the state of Massachusetts could fit inside of it. He later mentioned in an email that he would need to visit Chicago at least twice: once in the summer so that he could float in the lake on his back (noting, however, that this could be difficult due to the lack of salt in the lake's water); and once in the winter so that he could "slip and fall on a frozen Lake Michigan." The highlight of this mild obsession was a mid-flight phone call I once received - "Seema. You will NOT believe what just happened... I *just* flew over Lake Michigan."

I chatted with Raja almost everyday online and our conversations generally followed the same pattern of shared wisdom weaved into hours of banter, unusual analogies, and ridiculous tangents; he had a quirky tendency to focus on the random details that most people overlooked and to interrupt one mid-sentence to inject affection like, "i love you!" or "you have movie star hair." And sometimes the conversation took a back-seat to the file swapping. We were our own little P2P network. Our overlapping tastes in music was one of the many connections I was quite proud of. We have the same all-time favorite hindi song... and he recently sent me a zip of music that by chance included an obscure song that I had spent all morning in search of. I always wondered how he managed to accomplish great things while splitting his time across so many friends and family.

I saw Raja at most a few times a year when he was back in the Bay (and those were always really fun times!), but I never felt the distance between us because he always involved me in the most basic aspects of everyday life. I remember getting a late-night phone call from him once because he couldn't decide which user ID to go with for his new gmail account. ...And we often watched "Heroes" at the same time, though on separate coasts, so that we could throw around theories on the developing plot. And while I had barely met his family, he spoke of them all the time. A few weeks ago he asked for my help in brainstorming gift ideas for his little brother... I asked about his budget and he replied, "no budget. he's my baby." And Sangeeta... countless times (after I had the pleasure of meeting her at work), he pinged me just to have me reconfirm how smart, beautiful, and generally amazing she is (and she is).

But most often we just talked about how the other was doing that day. Whenever I needed advice or consoling or just some comic relief, he was a mere keystroke away. And I always loved calming his silly paranoia… I went on a week-long business trip to Shanghai last year and returned to find numerous frantic voicemails from Raja... apparently he forgot about my trip (even though I had "cleared it" with him) and was worried. And after I saw him over Thanksgiving, he kept asking me if he was getting chubbier... initially I said no, but recanted after he generously offered to "fix" my face (apparently I have a crooked nose!). In one of our conversations last week, he told me he was feeling rather "Sith-like" when he always wanted to be more of a Jedi. I reassured him that he was definitely not a Sith... he was more like Han Solo - fighting for the light side of the force, but with a definite edge. Oh how he loved hearing that! :-)

There was always a lot more to Raja than he ever let on. Meeting him casually, you would never know that he was pursuing plastic surgery to fix facial deformities in children and not to give the world more silicone, or that he was a talented tabla player with true respect for the art, and a hopeless romantic (for which he blamed Bollywood), and an incredibly loving son and brother (although he *always* bragged about his younger sibs). He rarely talked about himself in social situations because he was always much more interested in learning about others.

Those of you who have known me for a while have often heard me speak very fondly of him. I loved him dearly and always looked forward to seeing him or even just arguing with him online over the proper use of some phrase... he was just always there. The pain of his loss is unbearable as his death leaves a huge void in so many lives. I can't imagine never again seeing his big toothy grin or hearing his slightly mischievious chuckle or watching him dive into a circle of pop & lock dancers even though he can't pop & lock... or wiping my forehead dry after he planted one on me. Raja had *so* much charm & character and was truly a very lovable and beautiful person. As a friend of mine so perfectly stated, "No amount of time spent with Raja was ever enough."

The last text message I received from Raja was on the evening before his death... In response to a conversation we were having that he had to cut short, he wrote "to be continued." The unfortunate irony is torture right now, but I have to believe that there is continuity in that his spirit, and his unfortunate death, truly changed me. I feel very blessed for having known Raja and am so grateful that I told him I love him.

Cheers to an amazing individual and a beloved friend...
Rajesh Ranjan Das (February 2, 1980 - December 6, 2006)

(L-R: Sangeeta, his beautiful little sister; Raja; me; our friend Rahul. 11/24/06)

Raja, you are missed and will never be forgotten.

"Down" with Kiva!

2006-11-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

Kiva.org is an incredible & innovative non-profit run by a friend of mine and an organization for which I volunteer (I'm also a satisfied lender!). I wanted to throw up a quick post to memorialize what I consider a huge milestone for Kiva: After a Frontline segment about Kiva on Tuesday night, Kiva's server (note: singular) succumbed to the overwhelming demand generated by the show. The staff at Kiva quickly put up a static page to welcome the enthusiasts, explain Kiva's plight, and offer two alternatives to lending for the time being: Contact Us, Donate through PayPal. Plain. Simple. Highly effective.

Here's a screenshot of the current static page (post recovery, pre migration):

Anyway, while I'm sure that the folks at Kiva are frantically trying to resolve this situation, I think this calls for some celebratory champagne! Congrats, guys - you have arrived! :-)

I've been outed by Adam Nash

2006-10-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

Oh so embarrassing... surely some of my colleagues who read Adam's intelligent discourse on topics like Asimov, E-commerce, and Space (as in the last frontier) are now foolishly redirecting to my drivel... Sorry, wrong turn!! Spare your brain cells! Sigh... you've been warned.

(Thanks, Adam, for kindly noting that my blahg doesn't quite capture the extent of my intellect. I'm just trying to stick to the original theme. :-))

I will not procrastinate.

2006-08-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. DAMMIT!!!

'Rainbow Connection' Meets Anime

2006-08-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

A friend recently shared this with me (I've long been obsessed with the song)... it's brilliant.

Nama-say-WHAT?

2006-08-12T00:31:00.000-07:00

I blogged a few weeks ago about my interest in wordplay... Well, here's the next installment.

I started attending an Anusara Yoga class with my good friend Chris (of Chickennutbread fame) a few weeks ago. The instructor is a bit of a nouveau hippie named Stacey... she makes us chant in bastardized Sanskrit at the beginning of the class, and she often speaks abstract-ese when describing poses and such.

In any case, after the second class I found a stack of postcards at the reception desk advertising Stacey's website: http://www.namastacey.com/. Namaste + Stacey = Namastacey!! I may have been slightly offended if it weren't so G.D. ingenious! I'm now a semi-regular. :)

What's in a Name?

2006-07-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

My cousin in India recently had a baby boy... based on his raashi he needed a name beginning with 'bh' or 'dh'. Everyone was at a loss, so I thought I would help by searching the web for a nice, meaningful, euphonious name. But instead, I found yet another name that all Indian parents should blacklist: Bhooshit ("decorated"). Seriously people? I chalk this up there with Hardik ("heartfelt" or "full of love"... hehehe), and saakar-teti (pronounced 'sucker-te-tee') - the guju word for canteloupe.

This all reminds me of the last chapter in Freakonomics... Here are some historically recorded given names that have proven to do nothing for the carrier:

Winner
Loser
Temptress (after TemPEST Bledsoe)
OrangeJello (pronounced a-RON-zhello)
LemonJello (pronounced le-MON-zhello)
Shithead (pronounced shuh-TEED)

In retrospect, 'Seema' may not have been the wisest choice... unfortunately my parents weren't thinking like 13 year-old suburban runts when they named me.

An Inconvenient Irony

2006-07-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

My manager told me about a friend of his who saw An Inconvenient Truth over the weekend in the East Bay. Apparently they missed the last 10 minutes of the movie - the power went out due to the current heatwave. Talk about dramatic endings. :-)

The movie, by the way, should be seen by every man, woman, and child the world over - charts upon graphs of interesting (and scary) scientific & historical data, poignant footage & photos of the effect thermopollution is having across the world (including how such environmental changes influence political unrest and the economy), and computer simulations of what may come... All elegantly weaved together by a not-so-stoic Al Gore, Davis Guggenheim, Jeff Skoll, and others.

(I digress for a few lines to pay homage to Jeff Skoll: first President at eBay (my current gig); generous founder of the Skoll Foundation which has contributed to a number of organizations I support; most recently the founder/Chairman/CEO of Participant Productions which boasts an impressive repertoire of films focused on longterm benefit to society. If I had to select a single living person to idolize, it would be you Mr. Skoll. I tip my hat a thousand times...)

In any case, here's Mr. Gore on the Daily Show with my #1...

First Half:

Second Half:

My passion for wordplay...

2006-07-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

This entry will begin a series of posts (I hope) that highlight innovations in wordplay. I don't know why it so rocks me to my core to hear sub-parts of various words/phrases in conjunction with each other... my inner dork just eats it up (as does the outer, I suppose).

Here's an old post from my Friendster blog. I no longer blog there, so don't bother checking... in case you were craving more of my fetching entries. :-)
--

After about 7 or some odd years, Nick continues to take credit for my play on words. So, I resign myself to Friendster blog - the only non-invasive channel through which I can set the record straight en masse (with a particular focus on our shared network of friends). For the record, I invented the following play on words, and the like...

‘MW’ hand sign* (for 'MID-Wessss'): So... maybe I didn't single-handedly invent it, but I did perfect it - see foot note
Fasten your Dorritos: synonymous with 'fasten your seatbelt,' but more appropriate when the speaker is craving dorritos
Guitarded: what you call someone who, after much study, continues to suck at guitar
Flabdomen: another term for my mid-section
“Vendetta” as a girl’s name: a pretty name for a girl with a grudge
Volupturaptor: the name of the Velociraptor-esque head-nod I do
The Velociraptor-esque head-nod I do: not so much a play on words, but rather a unique melding of paleontologic motion and dirty innuendo
You down with OOP, yeah you know me: for this play on words, I replaced the TLA** from a popular hip-hop chant with a TLA known widely amongst the geek community (circa 1998). Thuppies*** love it.

*MW hand sign: To recreate this gangsta symbol, hold up your three middle fingers on both hands, curling your thumb and pinky into your palm. Now, with a big thug-like motion, bring your hands together (don't let them touch) to about chest level such that your right three fingers are pointed to the floor, and your left three fingers are pointed to the ceiling. Make sure the motion is big and thug-like. If your hips and shoulders are vertically aligned, you're doing it all wrong. As your hands come together, sneer and holla 'MIIID-WESSSS!' with that milk-bred, flat-lander brio the mid-west is known for.
**TLA: Three-letter acronym
***Thuppie: A yuppie by socio-economic echelon, but at thug through and through. Credit for this one goes to Nick.

M.I.A.

2006-06-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is there something Siouxsie and the Banshees-esque about M.I.A.? "Peeeee-EEEEK-A-Booo!" I really liked their music back in the day and I *LOVE* hers! Anyone who can work "I salt and peppa my mango" into a sick beat (sunshowers) is a genius (as is her music producer). The rest of those lyrics make me somewhat uneasy... not sure what she's advocating, but I've heard she supports a group that rhymes with 'Camel Ligers'.

Anyway, here's homegirl showing off her unique jungle-monkey-moves in 'Galang':

No, I don't want free porn...

2006-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

My favorite 'Best Of' from Craigslist...

2006-02-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

To the author of this post: You are a GENIUS! :-)
--

Hater's Guide: 2005

Reply to: anon-54546836@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jan 05 11:32:55 2005

It is readily apparent that CL is full of haters of all types, however, what is only apparent after intensive examination of these haters is that they are operating far outside the mainstream of Hateration. These haters are rogues, unfit for true hating, because they lack the proper tools to effectively hate and discriminate. Recently I've seen posts such as "white people have B.O.", or "gay people like cheese". This is insanity. How can you be an effective hater with hating methods that fall so far outside the mainstream? So, to alleviate the ignorance of improper hatred I am releasing this guide. The Hater's Guide: 2005.

Firstly we shall cover the tenets of hating:

- Hating works most effectively when it is concentrated. Did a black person ever bump into you in the subway? Obviously the solution is to spew unmitigated venom at all black people. It would be senseless and counterproductive to, say, be bumped into by a black person and then go off on a rant about the sexual (in)abilities of Asians.

- Hating requires an in-group, out-group dichotomy. Though some unconventional haters will hate on what would be their in-group, a traditional hater must always direct his anger towards members of society that fit into his out-group.

- Any sense of vocabulary, grammar, scientific reasoning, or any other such malarkey must be discarded prior to constructing your hating rant. If you incorporate these volatile elements into your hateration you can easily reach a critical mass of conflicting components. This will lead to your rant exploding all up in your shit.

Group structures:

As we covered earlier, hating requires an in-group/out-group structure to work most effectively. Below is a listing of potential groups to hate on, and the most effective known arsenal that can be directed at each group.

Asians – Asians, due to their sneaky, underhanded nature, have preemptively entrenched themselves against many of the more common forms of Hateration. By cultivating a ‘model minority’ image, Asians have precluded themselves from being hated on for being stupid, unproductive members of society (though this form of hating can still be applied to other groups). The important thing to remember about Asians is that their eyes are not like yours. Their eyes, as a matter of fact, are slanting every which-way! Furthermore, Asians are known to eat all manner of strange beasts, most importantly for our purposes dogs and cats. Pay no mind to the fact that food you commonly consume is considered to be sacred or disgusting in other cultures – those people are all a bunch of goddamn animals anyway! What matters here is that these people are eating animals that, while made of meat and completely edible, are not commonly consumed in our society.

To most effectively hate on Asians one must divide the Asian group by gender. Gender-specific Asian Hateration has been known to be some of the most effective Hateration in existence – as evidenced by the sheer number of posts on this forum dealing with the matter. First we will deal with males – Asian males are effeminate. I don’t care if he played football and weighs 225 pounds. He is an effeminate no-balls kinda guy. Asian males do not have sex, and in fact the entire Asian population only continues to exist due to the amazing-yet-ancient technologies that the Japanese have invented and disseminated to the Asian population. Without these technologies the Asians would quickly die off, as no Asian male is actually capable of sex. Further along this line of thought, one must continually remember to assault the Asian penis size. Asians, universally, have miniscule penises. It doesn’t matter that Asians raised in the U.S. are taller than Asians raised in Southeast Asia – diet controlling physical factors is complete bullshit! When it comes to Asian penises there is no variance – the universal size is ‘small’.

As for Asian females, the picture is equally bleak. Not only are these specimens so incredibly submissive that many of them are unable to speak in anything other than a soft whisper, they also have the propensity to engage in coitus with any willing male of the white race. Just yesterday I saw five Asian females working their mouths over the phallus of some suited white man on the subway. This type of activity is never motivated by attraction, love, or desire for affection but rather solely by a deeply seated desire to be accepted by the white race. If you see an Asian female with a white male, she is a sellout who is having sex with this man with some desperate hope that when his semen shoots onto her face that it will chemically react with her skin, thus turning her into a roundeye. It is inconsequential how they met, whether they are in love, or if it is really any of your damn business – what counts is that they are together, and you are a hater. By appearing in public with her white boyfriend, the Asian female is only exposing the truth: her burning desire to become a yang gwai tzu. As a bonus, if the white male is in your out-group you can rest assured that he is only dating an Asian female because he has a small penis and has a fetish.

Arabs – Arabs are, by and large, a group of psychotic murderers. They may seem innocent enough, with their swarthy appeal, but it is well known that they are genetically predisposed towards killing the infidel. This point was driven home most impressively on September 11th, when every Arab in the entire world attacked and destroyed the World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania. While some forms of Hateration can be applied to Arabs – they are brown, after all, and therefore smelly – the most appropriate in this day and age is to imply that they are attempting to kill you. This can work doubly well, in fact, as implying this will blow their cover – and we all know that Arab terror cells cannot operate without appropriate cover. So, in fact, this type of Hateration can actually save one’s life from what could otherwise quite possibly be death at the hands of an otherwise professional co-worker. Arabs, like Asians, are very crafty. An Arab you are hating on may try some commonly used defenses: “Actually I’m very secular, I respect other’s rights to believe or not believe as they see fit.” Or “Dude, I’m an atheist.” Or “Hey man, I grew up in this country just like you.” Pure unmitigated bullshit. It is well known that every Arab has an often-unseen but seething hatred for Freedom and America. Scientists have even recently discovered a new particle, the “anti-freedon” which is produced in the Arab pituitary gland. The existence of these particles proves that even the most secular, Americanized Arab is unavoidably prone to hating freedom and apple pie.

Blacks – One of the most prevalent races in America, the blacks were, pre-9/11, the scourge of American society. Blacks are, at heart, criminals, and they will stop at nothing to pursue their desire to steal and rape. In fact, any time a black man has sex, it is, by definition, rape. Signed legal forms of consent are nothing – a black man is incapable of non-rape sex. While some blacks appear to have ‘made it’ in our society, this is a sham. Blacks can find outlets in sports or entertainment, but those are the only realms in which they succeed. If you see a black guy in a suit walking out of a law firm, briefcase in hand, and then getting into his BMW 7-series obviously what you have just witnessed is a criminal stepping out after getting some legal advice on how to deal with his 15 charges of rape and murder, before stealing someone’s BMW. He probably stole the suit too.

Blacks are incapable of speaking the English language – only a bastardized version of it known as ‘ebonics’. Ebonics is a bankrupt series of barks and grunts, and it takes little brainpower to determine the hundreds of slang expressions used in ebonics, as any 40-year-old white man can easily spout out a long conversation in street-slang with ease. Furthermore, blacks are incapable of success in America, despite having every opportunity and advantage that every other race has. When you see a black person who has not succeeded in America, scoff at him and remember comfortably that if your race were brutally oppressed and enslaved for centuries and your very culture destroyed in the process, it would only take your race about 15 minutes to recover because of the permeating presence of the American Dream.

Gays – In recent years things had been looking better for the gays. Fortunately we have a large contingent of the population, lead by a certain individual, working hard to revive he type of Hateration towards gays that seemed so comfortably common only a decade ago. Gay males have attempted to cast off their image as effeminate nancy-boys by doing such things as taking up dangerous jobs where your primary responsibility is to kill human beings, or by lifting weights until they become as big as (or just outright become) an NFL linebacker. This is all a bunch of horseshit, as everybody knows simply that all gay males are prancing sissies. Conversely, gay females are ball-crushing bull dykes who long ago shat out any semblance of femininity they had onto the chest of some male who they had castrated. Gays, across genders, have diseases. Most commonly gays have AIDS – I believe roughly 95% of them do at this point, and they are only getting it faster, regardless of what any recent statistical analysis has to say about the explosion of AIDS in other groups. Gays are also promiscuous – did you know that gays actually have five sets of genitalia in order to facilitate having sex with between five and eight partners at a time! This also aids (ha ha!) gays in their unending desire to spread disease and plague upon all of humanity. Also they dress well, but only fags care about that.

Whites – Many people foolishly believe that because whites are the dominant race in our society that they are somehow immune to hateration. Nonsense, my friend! There are plenty of great reasons to hate the White Devil. Did you know that white people raped your ancestors? No? Well, it’s probably true. After all, it is well known by historians that the invention of white people ushered in a new era of debauched death and destruction in our world. Previously humans had lived in peace, trading and laughing with each other while they skipped across their fields. This all changed once the whites showed up. Borne out of the maggot-encrusted birth canal of Satan’s anus the white race has plagued humanity for centuries. Originally their primary goal was to kill each other, which would have been a great idea, but eventually that waned into something more of a “let’s kill everyone else” type deal. They have put forth every effort to oppress, dehumanize, and destroy anything in their path. So, if you see a white person on the street, why not express the anger handed down to you by your ancestors to them! Are you black? There are plenty of 200-plus year old former-slave-owning white people around who (remarkably) look like they are only 20-40! Were your ancestors from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, or Australia? Guess what – the white people you see walking around today personally killed every last one of them! Let them know that you’re on to their racist assess. Let them know that, in the end, no matter what they do, they can’t dance.

(Subcategorisations – a quick guide to specific white person hating)
French – Alcoholics. French people are weak, despite having conquered Europe. They enjoy cheese and wine, the food and drink of the Modern Pussy. They also, despite every advantage of modern hygiene, are filthy. Their language is for dorks too.
Germans – Germans, while not weak like the French, are murderous Nazi maniacs. In infancy they have difficulty learning to crawl and walk, but no trouble at all learning to lockstep. Germans often try to stuff entire ethnic groups into ovens and kill them all off. They also like to shit on each other in their pornography. Also they are alcoholics.
British – Alcoholics. These people are some of the most successful oppressors in the history of man, mostly due to their lack of dental hygiene. They are humorless and stiff, and are known to often be date rapists. They cannot cook.
Irish – Glug glug glug. The saying goes “God invented beer so the Irish wouldn’t take over the world.” It worked remarkably well. (note: these people also smell, and you cannot understand what they are saying.)
Jews – How could anyone hate on a group of moneylending cheapskates with an uber-victim mentality? Easy! Just remember next time ‘Yom Kippur’ comes up that this holiday, in Hebrew, means “Time to drink some Palestinian blood, y’all!”

Hispanics – The Hispanic people represent a major paradox in our world, and in fact, it only appears that way. Firstly we should get out of the way that Hispanics are womanizers and criminals. They often get into knife fights whilst catcalling women on the street. They are also notoriously unemployed. Frequently they will steal from department stores – but a far more important theft than that is the theft of our jobs. While it may seem contradictory that Hispanics could both take our jobs while also being unemployed (and thus having time to do all the various sundry activities they engage in) a simple look at particle physics can provide an insightful explanation. Hispanics are a quantum race. This grants them many properties, most importantly of which is that their exact location and velocity can never both be known at the same time. This is known as “El Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle Del Grande”. Hispanics are fully capable of being both unemployed AND taking our jobs at the same time! It seems paradoxical, but I will attempt to explain – when a Hispanic gets a job it directly conflicts with his lounging Hispanic lifestyle. Because of this, the Hispanic will naturally drop into a Superstate of both having a job AND not having a job SIMULTANEOUSLY! Amazingly, this allows Hispanics to go to work at their labor-intensive yet undervalued jobs and simultaneously go off and rob a liquor store or sell weed to your children. They can literally exist in two places at the same time. On top of that, they smell badly.

Indians – Obviously the first and foremost issue with Indians is that they are brown. As we have established, brownness leads to smelliness, and the Indians are very good in this realm. Still, there are some lesser-known but very effective reasons to hate on the Indians. Did you know that Indians, like salmon, must return to their birthplace in order to breed? Yes, you heard it here first – 7-11s and gas stations are the breeding grounds for the next generation of Indians. Did you also know that Indians have dots on their heads? This leads one to an incredibly clever epithet that is still fifteen billion million uses away from being tired. Did you know that Indians do not worship the benevolent Christian God, but instead choose to worship deities that sometimes have as many as five hundred arms? That just ain’t right, you know it, and I know it. Most importantly: Indians eat (and don’t eat!) very strange foods. They have ‘curry’ which is a mixture of gasoline, ether, and feces. They also refuse to eat cows because for some reason they consider these beasts to be sacred – so much so that Indians will often give their homes and all their possessions to cows. (note: Indians and Arabs, though differentiated by to some degree by their propensity to commit acts of terrorism, are essentially the same thing. If you run low on ammunition during a fierce conflict with these bizarre backwards people you can, in a pinch, pull out an extra clip of Arab Hateration to re-up.)

Thank you all for giving me audience, I will publish additions to this guide as necessary. Please feel free to email me if you need assistance in getting your hate-on.

(PS – enough with the racist bullshit. Enough with all this unscientific nonsense you fucks keep spewing every goddamn day. Oooh ooh, I hate black people! Woo I’m so fucking proud of you, go jump off a bridge. Aznz R sluts!1 Wow, how fucking insightful, how did you structure your study of this topic? Oh anecdotal evidence? Wow fucking publish it in a peer reviewed journal, you’re on the way to making a big name for yourself!

Do you morons believe in evolution? Yes? Get a fucking clue? Do you think your racist beliefs have any scientific (i.e. – real, measurable) meaning whatsoever? Do you shitheads think that the Sun revolves around the Earth? Did you fucking graduate high school, and, if not, why the fuck do they let people like you on the Internet?

I’m sick of this shit. You want to analyze race relations in the U.S.? Fine. Do it in an intelligent and insightful manner, not this tripe – may as well be spam – that I see on here every damn day.

Oh yeah, I’m single.)

New Year's Resolutions 2006

2005-12-31T14:23:00.000-08:00

As if having a birthday that's overshadowed by the observed birth of Christ isn't bad enough, my special day (December 26th) will henceforth be mourned as the anniversary of the Indian Ocean Tsunami. Oh, and it's Boxing Day... whatever that is. After almost three decades of celebrating my "Merry Birthday" with absent friends, post-xmas farewells, throngs of unknown travelers, and now televised mourning the world over, I'm over it. Except, well, this past birthday I turned 29... and now I can't stop freaking out about the fact that I have a fleeting year to accomplish everything I was supposed to do "by the time I'm 30." AHHH!

Marriage? Unlikely.
Graduate Degree? Umm... I guess not.
Property? Maybe if my options valuation doubles in the next few months...
Optional Retirement? Hahaha... that was my "stretch" goal. :-/

Luckily, my age brings with it some sense of clarity... I am incredibly blessed with good health, a strong mind, the nurturing love of my friends and family, and infinite potential. And instead of racing against time to accomplish things over which I have little control, I'm deciding to work torwards some sensible goals... my resolutions for 2006:

1. Take Cal Train to work more often
2. Learn or re-learn a foreign language
3. Go to Tahoe at least twice to ski
4. Travel outside of the US at least once (unrelated to work)
5. Re-engage myself with some social entrepreneurship organization
6. Be better about staying in touch with friends (call at least one remote friend every two weeks and try to send birthday cards (making it quantifiable))
7. Make 10% of my 2006 income from an outside investment/venture (interest payments, option grants, & ESPP disqualified)
8. Eat Tiramisu
9. Whine less
10. Blog more

And to you my loyal readers, passersby, and solicitors... have a safe and happy new year.

I love Jon Stewart

2005-09-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

Openly and unabashedly.

New Orleans vs. Mumbai

2005-09-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

My flag-waving cousin from India emailed me a shocking comparison between hurricane Katrina and the recent flooding in Mumbai. I have not validated the numbers, nor do I think that the two disasters or cities are necessarily comparable...

disasters: class 4-5 hurricane + breach in levees vs. 24 hours (and thensome) of continuous downpour
cities: New Orleans is a small, impoverished, mostly blue collar city; Mumbai is the New York City of India

So, take this with a grain of salt...
--

inches of rain in new orleans due to hurricane katrina: 18
inches of rain in mumbai (July 27th): 37.1

population of new orleans: 484,674
population of mumbai: 12,622,500

deaths in new orleans within 48 hours of katrina: 100
deaths in mumbai within 48hours of rain: 37

number of people to be evacuated in new orleans: entire city
number of people evacuated in mumbai: 10,000

cases of shooting and violence in new orleans: countless
cases of shooting and violence in mumbai: none

time taken for US army to reach new orleans: 48hours
time taken for Indian army and navy to reach mumbai: 12hours

new orleans status 48 hours later: still waiting for relief, army and electricity
mumbai status 48hours later: back on its feet and business as usual

USA: world's most developed nation
India: third world country

The Terror of Negligence

2005-09-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday, Labor Day Weekend, and I'm laying in my bed blogging. A perfectly wasted 3-day weekend because I let the weekend sneak up on me... and by the time it hit, I had no plan. So far my weekend amounts to two days of running errands, cleaning, eating, reading, watching movies, and blogging. Eh. Negligence on my part.

Thinking back, I did make very loose plans with Suj (bro) to visit him this weekend. Incidentally, he bought a condo a month ago and thought he might need the long weekend to finish moving in. So, that didn't really pan out. I guess it wouldn't have anyway... he lives in New Orleans and that charming, warm, and welcoming city came under attack a week ago.

Let's blame the terrorists. If it weren't for Osama and Al Qaeda's attack on the World Trade Center, the US would not have waged war on Iraq (surely the logic is in there somewhere?). And if those terrorists didn't play such a mean game of hide and seek, the greatest world power would've found Osama and the WoMaDs by now... and we would be out of Iraq? And, if we were not still funding a war in Iraq, the f'ing levees may have held up after Katrina grazed by. Whoa there... ridiculous leap? Check this blog entry by Lakshmi Chaudhry (referenced on NPR's Left Right and Center): Call it Lake George. Terrorist bastards.

Why is George W. Bunk not taking more heat for this? Is it leftist spin or has his reaction to the aftermath been nothing short of heartless? Instead of providing order and infrastructure, the fundamental responsibility of government, our current administration has plagued us with a foolhardy foreign policy and domestic ineptitude. What about FEMA? When a class 5 hurricane is sneering at your Gulf Coast, shouldn't you plan something? Hindsight is 20/20 they say, but is there nothing to be said about foresight? How about calculated predictions? Check out this article from the Times Picayune, published in 2002: Washing Away. (For more of the same, check out Wikipedia.)

The way I see it, they knew it was coming... but they let it sneak up on them. And when it hit, they had no plan... amounting to complete anarchy and chaos, loss of countless lives, $ billions in property damage, thousands of homeless refugees (including my brother), and a world of onlookers questioning the competence of the world's greatest super power. Negligence on their part?

Hello world!

2005-08-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

Curb your expectations. :-)